AGIRI.

I feel so inconceivably lost its frightening. Even though I’ve fallen off the path of success so many times, I feel like I’ve finally come to that crossroad in life that dictates the circumstances of one’s future well-being. And quite frankly, it scares the living shit out of me.

Granted, I’m a worrier by nature and this is definitely not the first time I’ve stayed up at night worrying about consequences of my stupid decisions. But this? This has become like a whirlwind of uncertainty enabling my current transformation into a green indecisive bratty … bitch i guess would be the word for it.

And oddly enough, I once again have no one to blame except myself in this situation. My failures, my insecurities, my uncertainties, my desire to be me, do me, and fuck everyone else. Thus far, I’ve thrived decently well slowly crawling towards the path of self-sufficiency. But that leap? That leap is an upcoming path, a choice that dare I choose will offer no detour.

*sigh*

I resent myself for being so weak-willed, and doubting my abilities and judgment.

And in a way, I resent my parents for raising me to believe that I wouldn’t be able to succeed without a college degree. I’ve come to a crucial decision in my life where I either have to follow what I’ve been taught and think I know or take a risk.

Success without risk is impossible.

Does that mean I should risk it? I don’t know. Even though my parents think I’m an ungrateful, fearless, selfish person who holds only her best interests at heart — I’m scared. I’m scared of going against the grain … scared of breaking away from what I’ve known all my life … scared of taking that departure and forging my own path in life.

I feel somewhat ashamed of myself for not having the courage to face this decision face forth. It seems cowardly and so … not me! For the first time in my life, I’m scared of myself and my mentality.

I can’t tell if this is my way of recalculating my life’s path because my previously adopted one is now closed to me. Neither do I know if this path leading to my success if I just believe in myself. A side of me is telling me to charge on, head first and tackle this bull by the horns. And another side of me is telling me that my experience in life is limited (no matter how much I hate admitting it) and that I should leave the risk taking to the adults.

But I also realize that I have this syndrome leading me to believe that I haven’t truly hit adulthood. I don’t know if this is my way of shirking the responsibilities of adulthood, or if I haven’t matured enough to want to jump into the next section of life … CONFUSION. Just so much confusion.

And though no one reads this, and this blog makes no sense whatsoever — has no flow, no logic, no organization — it represents the havoc I call my mind right now.